Borrowed Wings
by twent47blue
Summary: Just a little one shot I wrote.This is all original, from one person's point of view as they dwell upon one's life and how they would deal with a love one who have long been gone.


Every morning I wake up to the sound of your voice, it never fails to make the day a little brighter for me. Waking up to that wonderful sound of your voice, it makes my heart beat each time. My lips would start to curve, and before all my other senses awakens, I am already filled with sunshine because of your voice.

Its been years now, it would be the only time I would get to hear your voice. It would be the only last words I would ever hear coming from you. Because its been years since you've gone. Gone where, you might ask? Gone to a place where you may never get to come back.

I would send you a text message the minute I wake up, sending you a message, sending some words to a mobile phone that has long been disconnected, I know you would never get to read them, I know that all my messages would not be delivered. I don't know if I have been disillusioning myself all this time, or I might have hit my head somewhere and forgot that you've been gone for years.

Do they have wireless service in heaven? Are there angel operators who would forward all my messages to you? I often wonder somehow that maybe you do get these messages I have been sending you but since you are in a different plane, it would take eons for you to get back to me, or it would be extremely difficult for you to reply back no matter how much you wanted to.

Have I gone insane you might ask? Have I lost my marbles? Or have I finally have a nervous breakdown after you passed on? No, I don't think so. I am still sane and no, I am not in denial. I have longed accepted the fact that you will never ever get to receive all of these. That in time, the only last link I have of you would also fade in time. In the near future, even wireless service would become dormant and extinct. And there would also come a time that I could no longer send you messages or all my messages would not push through and would send it back to me.

But I don't want to let you go, just yet. You are far too precious for me to let go just yet. Even if I knew you would never ever come back, despite of everything I have been doing, even if I would ever get to move mountains, I could never ever bring back someone who is already in another life.

I have asked myself a million times over, why it had to be you. It took me years to accept that it wasn't my fault that you died. That it took me sometime to forgive myself and move on. My friends and family kept telling me what I have been doing isn't healthy. My parents even threatened to take away my phone if I don't stop this insanity that I had been doing. When I collapse from my hunger strike, they have given up and gave me back my precious phone with your voice recorded in it. They were so afraid to delete it for fear what I would have done if they did that. It would be like taking away my air, or severing one of my limbs, I would gladly give up everything, swore to do anything that was asked of me, if it means I can have you back again, that you would live again.

Why is the world so cruel? Why is fate so heartless to take away the only meaning of my life? Have I ever been so bad that they took you away from me? Don't I deserve you? Am I not that worthy to love someone so special like you?

I got so many questions, so many doubts, so many anger bottled up inside, so many painful unasked questions that is too late now to get answers for, and I would never will.

I have finally stopped crying. I have finally stop asking the impossible. Just to have this one last thing that holds my last memory of you. It is the only thing I have left in this world that would link me to you. All else are gone. I can never have them back. But only this. This is all I have left. Along with your numerous pictures, your gifts, all the stuff you gave me, videos and cds, this is the only thing that is the most precious one of all.

Countless of times when I feel down, when I needed to be with someone, when I longed for you so desperately, I listen to your recorded message, I would play it over and over again, I have burn it on a cd, made multiple copies of it just in case. I have printed and copied all your text messages to me.

Most people would ask why do I do this. Why do I torture myself this way. Why do I go to such length for someone who would never ever come back, and I can never ever see again unless I meet your doppleganger somewhere in this lifetime. I really don't know. There is only one thing I know, that in my heart of hearts, there could only be you. And only you in this world and the other worlds, I can never ever love someone as much as I have loved you. I could never open my heart to someone as much as I have given it all to you. The space that I have reserved for you, well, you got all of it anyway, would be permanently reserved just for you.

Maybe I would fall in love with someone else later on, maybe I would meet someone who has some similarities to you, or fall in love with someone entirely different from you. Who knows what would happen in the future. I don't want to think that far ahead.

For me, loving you is my life. If I gave you up, is the same thing as giving up on life. I maybe so selfish for loving you, for keeping you all to myself, but I will continue being selfish. I would covet you even on the next life and the life after that. If dying means I would forget about you, I will try to keep on living, and in my last breath I would make sure that it would be your name that I would last utter, that it would be your picture that I would last see before I close my eyes, my heart is already secure that even if I die, it would only beat just for you, and it would beat its last with your memory in it.

Could such kind of love be possible? I really don't know. All I know is you. All I want is you. And all I love is you. I have made you my mantra, my sutra, you are my very prayer, my spell, my code of love, the lines to my permanent script of devotion, you are my creed, my rule, in the palm of my hand, you are my destiny. If loving you this much would be considered a sin, then I would be guilty for life, so go ahead, and sentence me. You are my lips, my word, my fingers can only type praises of you, my thoughts are solely filled with you. If I have gone mad, if I have stricken ill because of you, cure me not, I want to be feverish with my love for you.

So wherever you are, my love. Wherever you may be, if you could read this, or if you could hear me. Take my love with you, wherever you are going. Don't worry about me, I still got tons of spare I can use around. I don't want to run on empty of you, I will constantly fill myself of love because of you. I will forever be devoted to only you. I love you like a madness...a sickness...a condition, there are no known antidote for it. I would be forever be infected by the virus called you.

As the wings that would take me to see God were taken from me, in their place, you gave me your wings, that would let me fly free. These are the wings that I will never lose.


End file.
